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As Crankeverend (CR) sits watching the Super Bowl, he actually is realizing that he is more interested in the game than the commercials.  Not that CR doesn’t get a kick out of people turning into Jack***** behind the wheel of a car – Crankastor sees that every day.  Nor does CR mind watching a pink animated bowel leaving the game and running to the bathroom – who hasn’t seen that once or twice at a Penn State game?  No the game of football is certainly the perfect analogy for church.  Reflect with CR for just a few ticks of the play clock.

First we have the fumble. CR can’t count on the total fingers of the congregants how many fumbles CR has each and every Sunday throughout the year.  A recent example is the ever-changing “opening” procedure at Crankeverend’s church.  The church has five doors that are unlocked and locked throughout the morning, and it has reached the point where CR needs one of those “wrist playbooks” that the quarterback wears to remember which, when and in what order doors are unlocked and locked.  More than twice in the last month CR has forgotten to unlock or lock doors — it’s a fumble CR just can’t recover from. “Crankastor, who is supposed to open the elevator door?”  “Crankastor Bill and Nancy had to walk all the way around the church because the alley door wasn’t unlocked.” “Hold on, I have to check my wrist play-book….” and wham, CR is sacked by “the speakers don’t work” or “no one set up communion” —  another fumble — or in Crankeverend’s world, it would be a Crankumble.

Second we have the clanked field goal off the upright of the goal post.  The equivalent in the church would be one of CR’s sermons that looks as if it is going to be good — but then veers off at the last second to clank off the upright of the goal post and falls to the church carpet.  Actually it has the same sound — a “dull thud” as heads hit the pews and attention spans hit the wall.  “Why did I choose to preach on the top five reasons the Lavabo should not be used to store batteries, purificators and Gluten-free wafers?”  CR can see “Touchdown Jesus” folding his arms. lowering his head, and sighing.

And finally, we have CR’s biggest pet peeve, the “blitz”.  Just like in the heat of a game, CR never knows when or from where the blitz is coming — it can come from the right, the left, or up the middle of the nave.  He might be getting vested in the sacristy, and “Bam” — “Crankastor, where are the bulletins? Where did you put the bulletins?” Or CR might be about ready to enter the chancel for worship when “Pow” — “Crankastor, this woman would like to speak to you about getting some help?” Or CR might be slightly fading at a council meeting when the head of one of the church’s committees begins to say: “Crankastor, I can never get you on the phone (you mean this one that never leaves my side and is on twenty-four hours a day) but I wanted to ask you in front of the council why…..”  CR has been sacked by the blitz so many times he is beginning to feel the effects from multiple “blind-side”….wait….. what was I saying?

They say soccer is the “Beautiful Game” — and a pure basketball player’s shot hits “nothing but net” — but in the church, it can sometimes feel as if members of the congregation are trying to give you a “season ending injury” — or at least some should be called for a “personal foul”.  But hey, Crankeverend will never be penalized for taunting — but he’s not afraid to try a “Hail Mar……tin” — even a cranky pastor has to be theologically correct.

Crankeverend…..Out!

Crankeverend (CR) was just about to leave the office to complain about traffic all the way home — when the phone rang.  CR hesitated for just a moment.  “If I leave now, and don’t answer the phone, I can maintain my Crankitude at a reasonable level.”  But, of course, he knew any call could be an emergency.  Slowly he picked up the phone and sighed “Crankaster speaking”.  “Hi Crankastor” the voice began, “can you tell me if there is a note in our weekly newsletter about our new ministry?”  “Why of course”, said the confident CR.  “In fact I have one right here……let me see…..(sigh) no, it’s not there.”  “Crankastor, what are we (meaning YOU) going to do?  No one knows what is going on.”

“No one knows what is going on.”  It is the statement — no the scourge of the congregation.  We have multiple (at least five) ways to communicate information and inform about ministries to the church and the community, and none of them have consistent information, and in fact often have contradictory information including times and dates.  It is usually a Cranktastrophe.   

Crankeverend heaved his medium sized frame onto his chair and sighed a heavy, cranky sigh.  How is it possible we cannot consistently communicate the same information?  We have a monthly newsletter with a calendar, a weekly newsletter with a calendar, a web page, a “FaceBook” page, and announcements at the beginning of each service.  And, on more than one Sunday morning, a congregant has asked CR for information about a meeting or a ministry, and Crankeverend will “politely” remind them that he said something about it in the announcements.  “Oh, I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening” is the usual reply.  Not listening!  Why do I even try!   Crank-o-meter (trademarked) rising….

Lack of consistent and clear communication will kill a relationship, and will limit the effectiveness of the congregation.  But it is not just the responsibility of the pastor to be on top of the communication.  It takes the constant and consistent effort of each committee chair, council representative, and ministry member to keep the communication flowing to and with the pastor, the council president, and the office administrator.   

It was a long, slow ride home as CR gripped the steering wheel like a Circus Clown trying to stop the elephant from stepping on the sword-swallower.  “Maybe I should use a bull horn next time…”

Crankeverend……Out!