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So let me say it right from the start — Crankeverend loves his wife — been in love with her since December 1987.  We are staring at 30 years of wedded bliss in a few years.  She is CR’s soul mate — we are the definition of “two becoming one”.

But Crankeverend hates Valentine’s Day.  There — got that off my chest right from the start.  The picture above tells the whole story.  Valentine’s Day is a losing proposition for men — and is a thorn in the side of all Cranky people, like Crankeverend.

Cranky people have different ways of showing their love for a spouse, parent, child and loved one.   Here are the top five ways a Cranky Pastor or Person (CP) will show their love during Valentine’s Day weekend.

1. A Cranky Pastor/Person (CP) will buy a card – but it may have to be modified in one way or another.  The Cranky person in your life will wait until the very last minute to buy a card, and as such there will not be many options left.  All of the good cards were picked clean a week ago.  So, your card may have a line through a word with a word or words written underneath, or a lame attempt at humor, but from a cranky perspective, it pronounces our love in our own unique way.

2. A CP may give you flowers for Valentine’s Day, and they just may be leftovers from a funeral. The Cranky pastor or person in your life hears the message “Get her/him flowers” — you set the bar at “It’s the thought that counts” – and a deal is a deal.  It is the circle of life: someone gives flowers at the time of death (flowers given marking hope in the resurrection) – and after the funeral, new life (resurrected flowers) – then death.  Crankeverend calls it “care for creation”.

3. A CP may take you to a church luncheon, or breakfast, and if it is within three days of Valentine’s Day, there’s your Valentine’s Day dinner. The Cranky person in your life thinks any meal outside the home that is close to Valentine’s Day fits the bill….not my fault that it’s with 100 of our church friends.

4. A CP does not like society telling them when or how to tell you they love you. A Cranky Pastor/Person feels it unnecessary to have the “Hallmark Company” tell us when or how we should tell you we love you.  The CP chooses their own ways:

A Sigh means: “I love you, why are you bothering me — did I tell you that you look beautiful”
A Grunt means: “You look even more beautiful today”
A Cough means: “I heard you and have no response because I am blinded by your beauty”

5. Finally A CP has been Cranky for so long their Crankiness blends into all aspects of their personality and life. We cannot remember a day when we were not Cranky.  Therefore the fact that you haven’t thrown us out means you love us too.  That’s all we need on Valentine’s Day.  That is our gift to you — no need to buy us anything to make us feel badly about what we didn’t or did get you (those who did get you something would be the Cranky Lover interns still learning the art of crankiness) — we already feel badly — and cranky — don’t make it worse. 

So on behalf of all of the cranky people out there, Crankeverend says: Happy Valentine’s Day — the silence means we love you as much as you love us — and if not, just leave us alone! — but we still love you.

Crankeverend…..Out!

The blizzard of January 2016 taught Crankeverend (CR) several things.  

First, it taught CR that people do actually forget how to drive in snow from one winter to the next.  CR could understand if he lived in Georgia — where the opportunity to drive in snow is almost nil.  But CR does not live in Georgia, and there are ample opportunities to drive in snow — but CR also lives among people who apparently have short memories.  The equation is easy — stay off the roads until the streets have been plowed, and if you are “really” uncomfortable driving in the snow, stay off the roads until the streets have been plowed.   After all, we do not live in the 70’s when predicting the weather was a bit more tenuous.  With all of the weather models paraded out for us a full week before the weather event, it is easy to see that we might get a significant amount of snow, and as such allows people to get their panic going sooner.  So there is plenty of time to rush to the grocery story to buy the four extra packs of toilet paper, the two extra gallons of milk, and a coop full of eggs and then hunker down for a couple of days before the snow even begins.  In other words, take this cranky pastor’s advice, if you have to go somewhere, like work, call a friend and have them take you if you are not comfortable driving in snow.  But for gosh “Cranky” sakes (sorry about my language) stay off the roads.  You are single handedly raising my “Crank-o-meter” (trademarked).

Second, the blizzard taught CR that some snow plow drivers, the amateurs now mind you, not the professionals at PA DOT (Crankeverend knows where his bread is buttered), but some of the “I bought a truck so I could throw a plow on the front and make some extra money” drivers don’t know what to do other than push the snow around.  That is what happened in CR’s parking lot.  When the snow had finally stopped, he discovered that the church parking lot was plowed, or should Crankeverend say, that the snow had been pushed all around the lot, but the “driver” dumped the snow into more parking spaces than were cleared, and actually blocked the only exit from the parking lot with a ten foot wall of snow.  Shame on Crankastor! Here he thought that plowing meant clearing away the snow.  Obviously, CR is delusional.    

And finally, Crankeverend is now looking to go to snow plow school as soon as he buys a truck and throws a snow plow on the front of it.  Why?  Well because CR discovered why the “I bought a truck so I could throw a plow on the front and make some extra money” guy or gal bought the truck and threw a plow on the front — because not only are they making some “extra” money, but some of them are making “two boat payments and a mortgage payment” amount of money.  “Holy Crap” was the quote when Crankeverend opened the bill from “Mr. Plow”.  Yes, this cranky pastor realizes it was a blizzard but “Holy Crap”.   When added up Crankeverend realized that bill was worth “three funerals and a wedding” kind of money — with just one parking lot — and all they did was push the snow around and block our only exit.

So, if you see a VW Jetta with a plow stuck to the front of it, wave at CR — five more parking lots and he can buy the truck.  And if you were the plow driver who pushed around the snow in our church parking lot, next time at least put a door in the snow wall — that way Crankeverend has an escape route when the congregation revolts and wants to put his head on a snow-pastor….

Crankeverend…..Out!