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We thought you might like to get to know Crankeverend (CR) a little better, so we have posted some questions for the Cranky One to answer.  Below are CR’s answers.  Enjoy!

What is the origin of your Crankiness?  

Well, CR has a vague memory of riding in a stroller when CR was about one year old and my mother stopped to talk to a neighbor.  We stopped and the lady looked at CR and smiled.  CR began to cry.  And then there was the time in kindergarten where everyone got a piece of paper and crayon to draw a picture, everyone except CR.  CR began to cry.  Then in second grade the class was celebrating the birthday of a classmate with a cup cake and a little candle.  The girl sitting directly in front of her had really long hair and she leaned back, putting her hair into the lit candle.  Our teacher ran over quickly to put out the fire in the girl’s hair.  CR laughed.  That most likely is the beginning of a life filled with angst and crankiness.

How did you end up going to Seminary if you were so Cranky?

Going to Seminary was a long process, one that CR did not take lightly.  Over the process of ten years, CR wrestled with G-d about this feeling that he was called to the ministry.  Some of the questions on CR’s mind were “Can you be a pastor and be so cranky?” and “How can you merge a cranky life with a life in Christ?”  But over time, the more CR worked with people in the church, the more CR felt at home — CR found many in the church who were just as cranky.  It almost filled CR’s heart with love, but he fought that off as soon as it wanted to take hold.  Wait, did CR say that out loud.  You will edit that out won’t you…..?

What is your most prized possession?

CR has a statue that someone bought for him – it is a small “Scrooge” figurine, Scrooge being the character Ebeneezer Scrooge from “A Christmas Story”.  CR likes to keep it on his desk as a reminder of his true nature.  Actually right now CR can’t find it – it must be in a box somewhere…..makes CR cranky.

What advice do you have for others who want to live the Cranky life?

CR believes that to embrace the true cranky life, you have to understand the origins of your crankiness.  It isn’t enough one day to say “I’m cranky”, that is a feeling that will pass with time.  No to be truly cranky you have to had endured the life of the crank.  There are extreme highs and lows — the lows being true repugnance and disgust, the highs are tolerance and disdain.  You must learn to sigh constantly.  Smiles need to be turned into frowns in the blink of an eye.  All of these are baseline qualities for the Cranky life.

If you were a barn animal, what animal would you be?

That is a disgusting question, but I will answer it because it makes me feel bad.  I would say if I were a barn animal, I would be a barn cat — probably a Siamese.  The Siamese is aloof, and is not afraid to show its disdain for others.  It prefers to be alone, and gives you that look that if it had a knife, it would slit your throat in the middle of the night.  Actually my favorite cat, after Bill the Cat from the cartoon Bloom County, my favorite would have to be Grumpy Cat.  He and I have a real connection.  In fact, you could take any current picture of Grumpy Cat and compare it to the picture of CR in the new church directory…….ironic, don’t you think?

What do you like most about being a Pastor?

The people.  This will sound very “Anti-CR”, but being a pastor means people invite you into their lives, sometimes in the most excruciating circumstances like death and disaster, but also in times of joy like the birth of a child and wedding celebrations.  CR loves to write and to preach, but it is in the interactions CR has with the people of CR’s church and in ministries involving the church that CR finds the most joy.  In fact, CR feels his crankiness melting, melting, melting……….  

So, there you have it.  Some insights about CR for your reading pleasure.  This reporter has found his interaction with CR to be, well, tolerable.  When I asked CR if he had anything else to say, CR responded “You aren’t going to post this are you?”

Crankeverend was sitting at his desk one day, sifting through the pile of papers and notices from his local synod.  He picked up an article someone had sent him from a mid-western synod…he read it carefully as he sipped his warm beverage….

September 31, 2015

“Hymn Pushes Her to the Breaking Point”

“I just couldn’t believe it”, said Bonnie.  “I came with a song on my lips, ready to sing with love in my heart, and I ran out embarrassed and angry.”  This was the scene last evening at St. Melodious Lutheran Church, where a quiet Wednesday evening service ended in a scene reminiscent of Dante’s Inferno.

It began innocently enough, when members of St. Mel (as locals call it) gathered for their Wednesday evening Lent worship service and meal.  “I enjoyed a nice bowl of chicken corn soup and the orange jello with carrots really hit the spot.” said one member, refusing to give his name. “Pastor Angst had announced the beginning of the service and people slowly made their way to the worship space.  It just seemed like a normal Wednesday evening.”

Taking a long drag from his upside down, three pump caramel macchiato, Pastor Angst said “I talked with the organist about the change in the opening hymn…I wanted to sing something that matched better with my sermon”.  “I just didn’t think about it….I should have known better.”  Pastor Angst paused for a second, still shaken by the evenings unfortunate turn of events.  “I just should have known better.  I just didn’t think it through.”

Another member told this reporter, “As the organist began the first hymn, some of the more confident singers tried to sing along with the organ.  The people began with such gusto, but the longer it went, the worse it got.  Slowly you could see the congregation begin to look up from their hymnals and look at each other.  And then, All hell broke loose”.   Organist Cindy Minor sat holding a hymnal that someone had ripped in half, wondering how much anger it takes to give someone such brute strength.  “One member screamed that blood was coming out of her ears.  Another dropped to the kneeling bench and began to sob uncontrollably.”  Ms. Minor was still shaken.  “I knew the pastor had picked a new hymn, one that we never had tried before, but I never thought it would turn so……horrific.”

Three people were taken to the local hospital with what officials called “Enigmatic Laryngitic Warts” (ELW for short).  This reporter was unable to receive confirmation of their condition at the time of this article, or if they were released.   A representative for St. Melodius released this statement:

After further reflection and prayer, Pastor Angst has agreed to cease and desist from singing new hymns until further notice.  He and the members of the music program offer their sincerest apologies to anyone who was offended or in fact hurt by the singing of this new hymn.  In no way does the council or leaders of St. Mels condone new music, whether contemporary or old timey, and promise they will do everything in their power to make sure nothing new comes out of their organ or any instrument or mouth in this congregation.

It was reported that Pastor Angst has taken a long vacation.  One member, when reached for comment, was unable to speak to this reporter.  It was reported she has taken to her bed and is heard uttering simply “I just wanted to sing “The Old Rugged Cross” one more time.”

Services at St. Melodius will continue as scheduled, as long as the contempt can be scrubbed from the carpet.”

Crankeverend shook his head slowly. All he could say was “Serendipitous”.