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Crankeverend, the Cranky pastor, the Cranky Reverend that CR is — trying to come to terms with a new year — and the new year is not accepting CR’s terms.  So, the negotiating goes on.  But, we are up to day 11 of the 12 Daze of “Crankimas”, and there is a whole winter of crankiness spread out before CR like a picnic blanket full of pies made of squid and cow placenta.  (MMMMM…..nothing like fresh cow placenta).  And what better to wash down that cow placenta (CR just loves saying cow placenta) is there than a fresh cup of coffee.  But there is a crisis in Cranki-land — a full blown, red alert, top level, get your best agents on this case because the end is near crisis. 

In the 11th Daze of Christmas, CR was pondering: the worst possible news came across the radio today — coffee growers are beginning to be affected by climate change — ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Based on a report CR heard on the radio show “Here and Now” and the attached article Coffee Snobs: This brew may get pricey, thanks to climate change there is trouble brewing in coffee land.  It is latte breaking news.  Here is an excerpt from the above mentioned article:

“We have known for some time that coffee is a climate-sensitive crop. Now we have the first global evidence that increasing minimum, or night-time, temperatures are having the hardest impact on your daily brew.  A warmer world with soaring day time temperatures has been linked to the decline of many plant and animal species. Unless climate change can be mitigated, or farmers can find ways to adapt, the future for many crops including coffee looks bleak.  Coffea arabica and Coffea robusta are the most popular forms of coffee in the world. Due to the quality, arabica achieves a much higher price premium.  Coffea arabica, which accounts for most of the world’s production is grown throughout the highland tropics of Africa, typically between 1000 and 2300 meters above sea level. Most is grown in Tanzania, Kenya and Ethiopia.  In the past, heat and drought stress were typically noted as the major constraints that affected coffee production. Now it appears that steadily increasing night-time temperatures are actually having the greatest impact.”

For CR, this is the worst possible news for the world’s coffee production.  No, it has nothing to do with the increase in the cost of a cup of coffee — CR will bite the bullet — maybe drink a little less from CR’s favorite “Siren” Coffee shop.  But, a world with less coffee production is a world CR does not want to live in.  Period.  CR already has a headache just thinking about it.  

Just imagine all of the bleary-eyed people in your work place snapping at each other.  Someone walks into Crankeverend’s office and says: “Crankastor, I wanted to let you know there were two mistakes in the bulletin.”  Crankeverend reaches for a cup of coffee, and upon finding it empty, and having no “K-cups” in his drawer to put between CR’s cheek and gums, or chocolate covered coffee beans to munch on, CR’s blood pressure spikes.  CR retorts, “CR tells you what — you want fewer mistakes, YOU DO THE BULLETIN!”  CR’s wife reaches back and gives CR a good dope-slap.  “Sorry Crankster-wife, even a “Snickers” won’t change CR’s mood for the better.”

CR is sure that the decreased coffee production will be the first sign of the Apocalypse.  The second sign: coffee deprived people roaming the streets like zombies — it will be the “Caramel Macchiato Zombie Apoca-latte-ypse”.

Crankeverend………………….DUNCE — Deadly Urgent Non-Coffee Existence

Crankeverend — well CR is already done with 2017, and there are 361 more days to go. We are up to day 10 of the 12 Daze of a HannuRamaCrankiMas.  It has finally turned cold and they are talking about some snow in Central Pennsylvania, which makes CR cranky — so it is good we are almost to the 12th day of Christmas — then CR can crawl back into his cave and hibernate for another four months.

In the 10th Daze of Christmas, CR was pondering: why did CR not grow up in a warmer climate?  It is always better to visit snow than co-habitate with it.

CR was listening to some schmuck on the radio the other day and he was going on and on about how it was 70 degrees where he lives, and later that weekend he was going to drive to the mountains to do some skiing.  It is CR’s opinion that everyone should live in a place where it is 70 degrees all year-long, and if you want to play in the snow, you just get in your car and drive 2 hours to visit the white devil.

CR used to like snow.  Like any kid, snow was fun when all you had to do was put on a snow suit and some snow boots and head to the closest hill with your sled.  That was fun.  Now, after shoveling not only CR’s driveway and sidewalk and four of CR’s neighbor’s driveways and sidewalks, snow is not so much fun.  It is a d*mn inconvenience.  CR is thinking the god’s were angry with CR and so determined that CR will be born to a family in Central PA — and make the winters miserable.  

If you notice the lyrics in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” there is no mention of “snowmen a dancin”, “ice skates a skatin”, or “snowplows a plowin”.  Nope.  Not one darn mention of anything even remotely cold weather — not snow geese, just geese — and French hens, swans and turtle doves. 

And then there is the darkness that envelops us — CR wakes up to darkness, and arrives home in darkness — drives to meetings in darkness — and still has not found that stinkin’ headlight retainer clip for CR’s car (which by the way CR thinks he has found one CR can order from a German auto parts warehouse in Walla Walla Washington — crazy).  That’s right — CR can’t go to his local German car dealer to get a $20.00 part — one made of cheap aluminum.  NO, he has to order the part from the other side of the country — thanks German car dealer.  

Oh well, the jury is still out on the hopes of 2017 for this cranky pastor.  Today is day five of 2017.  Join CR in singing (to the tune for 12 Daze of Christmas beginning with number 5):

three to five inches of snow (though who can tell with these mountains and valleys)             four hours of daylight, three parishioners in the hospital, two cars needing repairs,         and a par—doning of CR’s sins so far…………which are many since CR is a Cranky Reverend.

Crankeverend……………………………just remembered CR needs to borrow the neighbor’s snowblower, more schmoozing of the neighbors.