Author: Rev. David J. Schreffler

All Characters portrayed in a Cranky Reverend blog post are simply people CR has made up in CR’s mind.  Any resemblance to real people is simply coincidental and CR has no idea how that happened.  Really!  I mean it!

Crankeverend (CR) returned from a long trip — a trip down dysfunctional lane.  After such a trip most of CR’s tolerance has either been surgically removed by aliens or beaten out of CR by exposure to too much dysfunction.  CR remembers the little cartoon about conjunctions called “Conjunction Junction” that used to run on Saturday mornings while CR was watching the 100th repeat of the Flintstones.  CR has changed the words:

“Dysfunction Junction, what’s your function?  Wishing the pastor will perform “Extreme Unction.”

The family crisis can be one of the more difficult experiences of your life.  The same can be said for the pastor trying to help a family wade through the murky waters of dysfunction.  Of course, what is at the heart of dysfunction — especially within family dynamics?  The answer is not a simple one.  CR knows that so many things can be ingredients for the genesis of the “dysfunctional family soup”.  It is a table spoon of high expectations, a dash of physical or verbal abuse, three heaping portions of poor parenting skills, and any amount of disability, lack of education and/or support, and the ever present mysterious addition of addictive behaviors.  Mixed all together, the result is determined by the acceptance for and the consequences of action or inaction of all involved — which, of course, gives dysfunctional soup its texture, its body and its taste.

Recently, CR was fortunate (or unfortunate) to have been a witness to two families dealing with tragic deaths — both, CR must add, which have some mysterious elements included.  Nevertheless, watching how each family managed or mismanaged these tragedies highlighted their own level of dysfunction.  And, beyond the bickering, arguing, accusing, crying, drinking, smoking and lying — left in the disastrous wake of their collective dysfunction were two loved ones who died before their time should have been up.  Both were given proper, respectful burials attempting to honor their lives and give voice to the fact that they were loved, children of G-d.  And still the dysfunction train chugged forward.  So, in the wake of all of the unfortunate events, this Cranky Reverend has three pieces of advice.  Oh there are more, but this is all CR can muster together at this time.

The first piece of advice: Plan, Pre-Plan, Over Plan

You are doing no one a favor if you have not taken the time to consider your assets, whether vast or few, and what you want done with them upon your ultimate demise.  Make a will.  Do it today.  And if you change your will, keep only the current copy, and destroy the others.  And if you hide it away, make sure someone, someone, knows where you are hiding it.  The same is true for your funeral service.  Plan one.  Put your wishes on paper if you do not pre-plan with a funeral home.  If you pre-pay somewhere, leave copies and receipts where people can find them.  And, for almighty Father’s sake, give copies to someone you like.  Pick out scriptures, and hymns, and other readings.  Also, be sure to direct a sizable amount of money for the honorarium for the pastor.  A good pastor will spend 4 – 6 hours on preparing and performing your funeral.  Yes, it is a part of our calling, but too many people have no respect for our time.

The second piece of advice: Verify, Verify, Verify

If your loved one tells you “I have pre-paid for my funeral service and other arrangements”, or tells you “I have a current copy of my will to give you” — verify.  Ask for copies.  It is nice to trust their word, but still ask them for a copy of everything.  And keep on asking until they give it to you.  And please, remember where you put your copy.

 Finally, Stop Complaining

Look, CR knows that life is tough.  No one gets everything they want — and many do not have access to the basic things they need to live.  So, if life has been a drag for you lately, call CR.  CR can tell you some stories about families who really have it tough.  And if your story beats CR’s, CR will include your story in CR’s upcoming book:

“Funerals, Weddings and Pastoral Care: My Experiences With Crazy”

CR is not being disrespectful, but if you find yourself in a dysfunctional family, remember, there is no “Fun” in Dysfunction.  And, someone needs to be the voice of reason, the oasis of sanity, and the keystone block in the collapsing arch.  The first stop on the dysfunction train should be “Sanity-Ville” — and if you aren’t the Mayor, then who will be?

Crankeverend……AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

ALL EVENTS AND PEOPLE CHARACTERIZED BY CRANKEVEREND ON HIS CRANKY REVEREND PAGE ARE MOSTLY FICTITIOUS, THOUGH THE EVENTS CAN BE A THORN IN THE SIDE OF ONE CRANKY REVEREND. IF CR OFFENDS, IT IS NOT THE INTENTION OF A CRANKY REVEREND TO OFFEND PEOPLE — IT IS ONLY TO PERPETUATE THE CONCERNS OF ONE CRANKY REVEREND. NO ANIMALS OR ALIENS WERE HARMED DURING THE WRITING OF THIS PAGE. THIS BLOG CONTAINS NO MSG, IS GLUTEN-FREE, AND HELPS THE DIGESTION OF THINGS HARD TO SWALLOW.

“But when the king came in to see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing wedding clothes. He asked, ‘How did you get in here without wedding clothes, friend?’ The man was speechless. “Then the king told the attendants, ‘Tie him hand and foot, and throw him outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’ “For many are invited, but few are chosen.” Matthew 22

Crankeverend (CR) is often frustrated when going to a coffee shop and encountering the “Coffee Shop Newbie” or those who do not realize there is an “understood” etiquette for ordering your coffee beverage.  And, there is also etiquette for waiting for your drink to be made. Like the “Soup Guy” from the TV series “Seinfeld”, there is one way that is acceptable, at least that is the opinion of this Cranky Reverend – and if you do not maintain that order, then “No Coffee For You”. Here it is in the simplest explanation CR can give you.

1. Know what you are ordering before you get into line — usually you have to wait for a few minutes anyway, stop talking to your friend on the phone and make up your mind.
2. Do not make small talk with your barista – unless your barista makes small talk with you — even then no one wants to see pictures of your kitten — move out of the way!
3. The maximum number of drinks you should order at one time is three — and if you have a list of drinks, make sure you can read it before you get into line — move out of the way!.
4. Have your money in your hand – no fishing for your wallet once you have ordered.
5. If your name is not Bill or Mary, be prepared to spell your name for the barista. No one knows how to spell “Jael” anyway (before you are offended look in the bible under         Judges 4:18 — CR is not being racist — and besides CR’s third child would have this name if CR’s wife would have relented)
6. Once you have paid for your drink – move out of the way!
7. If you are waiting for a drink, and there is a line, my friend YOURS IS NOT THE NEXT DRINK BEING MADE – and staring at the barista will not make them go faster — move out of the way!  And don’t touch CR’s cup looking for your name.
8. If you need cream or sugar, do not linger at the “cream and sugar” carousel – “git ‘er done” and move out of the way.

Oh, and this cranky reverend also wants to talk to you “suits” who come into the coffee shop with your ear phones looking like you work for the “Secret Service”.  CR understands you like the freedom of the hands free device, and this is mostly so you can drive your luxury SUV while keeping your hands on the wheel while you force the rest of us off the road.  First, keep the ear piece in the car — you look ridiculous.  Second, don’t have your “loud, obnoxious phone call” while sitting next to CR as he is trying to write a devotion about the love of Jesus.   Move the conversation outside.

Crankeverend is a lover, not a fighter, and CR loves all people.  And if we all follow the coffee shop etiquette as it is officially unwritten, but CLEARLY understood, then there will be more love for CR to share in the name of Jesus Christ.  And just one final note — Move Out of CR’s Way — do you think it is easy being this cranky?

Crankeverend……..Out!