Author: Rev. David J. Schreffler

Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility and my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth”? Really…..

Cranky Reverend (CR to his one friend) has been experiencing terrible dreams these past few weeks, which CR can only hope is just a passing phase — like the Nixon Administration was just a passing haze. Really, CR had to go all the way back to the 1970’s for a cultural reference….ouch! Did you ever get that gnawing feeling in your gut, and then remember that you are in the middle of the prep for a colonoscopy? Me too…..and don’t judge me when I say I am looking forward to the procedure just so I can get an hour of really good sleep. I mean it….

Anyway, CR is here to remind you that Christmas is just 163 days away — and then it will be July 2020 and we will be wondering what happened to the 2000-teens.

So, CR has been receiving a number of inquiries lately, and CR would like to share some of them with you……if you are finished reading the “fake news” already.

“HEY CRANKY REVEREND, whatever happened to the 1980’s anyway?” Oh, the 1980’s — one of CR’s worst decades. Either CR saw this on television or CR dreamed it as part of CR’s “My life is half-way over and what do I have to show for it” series of dreams in the last few weeks (perhaps that explains the night sweats)…..anyway did CR see that the 1980’s fashions are making a comeback? CR lived through the 80’s and for the life of “ALF” can’t remember one good thing that came out of that decade (except for CR’s wedding day, which by the way is the only day it rained in a drought-infested month of August in 1988).

Look the 1970’s gave us platform shoes, bell bottoms, and knee-high socks — to say nothing about the plaids and stripes that were acceptable in one outfit. But the eighties — CR spent most of the 1980’s with CR’s high tops untied (perhaps that explains why CR’s hips hurt so much), CR’s collar up (it still looks better that way), and wearing his sweathshirts inside out (it doubled the allowable wear time). And now you want CR to relive through that “fashion hell”? No thanks…….

So, here’s to the 1980’s remaining in the rear view mirror along with CR’s youth — and by the way, every decade will fade into our memory banks like CR’s bit coin fades into meaningless “ones and zeros” with every passing minute.

Crankeverend is finally up to the last daze of Christmas, and this stellar endeavor has left CR in a bit of a daze. But, thank the Lord there is always an ending — nothing goes on forever, except for a dental examine, though it just seems like it is forever — but in my version of Hell, that is what I will be doing for eternity — an eternal dental exam with the dentist from “Little Shop of Horrors” saying repeatedly “you could not have flossed as much as you said you did.  Now Spit…….”

Any way, in the 12th daze of Christmas, CR was pondering: what is the optimal length of a sermon, especially a sermon about nothing?

A sermon about nothing — you may ponder that phrase for just a moment as CR builds toward a cranky crechendo.  “What are your favorite types of sermons?”, people ask CR.  CR’s favorite kind of sermon is one where CR doesn’t see people falling asleep, where people are not distracted by the spider webs in the chandeliers, and people are not writing down their grocery list for later that day.  CR’s favorite kind of sermon is one where CR does not feel as if CR has just wasted twenty minutes of the congregation’s time. CR’s favorite kind of sermon is one where CR doesn’t feel as if CR just preached about nothing.  Sermons are funny things — but putting one together is no laughing matter.  Writing a sermon that captures the attention of everyone for the entire sermon, that draws a clear distinction between law and gospel, that helps people realize why Jesus died for the sins of all and then leads people to do something about that — and includes some humor and maybe a personal story or two — that is CR’s favorite kind of sermon — and the really great preacher makes it look so easy.   For the rest of us, it becomes a passion, an albatross, a work, a release, a cross to bear, and a weekly struggle.

Look, CR has preached many a sermon about nothing — at least that is how CR feels about it.  For Crankeverend, sermon preparation is not a small thing.  CR begins Sunday evening, usually, knowing the last sermon hasn’t even been forgottten by most of CR’s congregation yet.  The pastor seeking to deliver a sermon that is not about nothing is living with the “Word” appointed for that Sunday each and every day.    The pastor who doesn’t want to write a sermon about nothing will write, and write, and re-write over and over again.  At least, that is what CR does.  And yet, CR may still write a sermon about nothing — because in the end, either the Spirit is in the preached word or is not, and that is dependent on the Spirit.  All CR can do is pray that the Spirit is in the process from the very beginning.

So, what is the optimal length of a sermon, especially a sermon about nothing?  It doesn”t matter how many pages the sermon is, or how many words are in the sermon, the sermon about nothing will seem to last an eternity — and a sermon filled with the Holy Spirit will seem to last a second.  Notice CR said nothing about a sermon with audio-visual props and other “aids” for the preacher.  A sermon about nothing with interesting pictures shown throughout is still a sermon about nothing.  A sermon that entertains with puppets and pictures and movie trailers and the like — if it contains zero presence of the Holy Spirit, it is still a sermon about nothing — just an entertaining one.

My friends, CR has one word of advice:  if your pastor delivers a sermon about nothing,  perhaps it is not time to find a new pastor, perhaps you need to pray more for your pastor — find others in your congregation and pray together for the Holy Spirit to light the Word on fire in your pastor’s heart, and in their words, and in their preaching.  And, CR is telling you something profound here, so listen — if you are only getting NOTHING out of preaching, perhaps YOU need to open your ears, and your hearts, and your understanding — ask your pastor to provide a written copy of the sermon so you can take it home and read it again, and pray on it, and look up things you do not understand.  

Sermons about nothing are everyone’s problem — we all bear the responsibility of praying for and encouraging our pastors to preach the Gospel — and preach it with guts, with passion, and with honesty.  But they should not be about nothing — or at least they should not feel like a dental exam!

Crankeverend…………………..dang it, where’s my sermon?