Author: Rev. David J. Schreffler

Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility — we all need to heed my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth.”

There is nothing like a warm day in Pennsylvania — temperatures as high as 98 to warm the body and bring out the crankiness in anyone — especially Cranky Reverend. On the way to the mall tonight, CR’s wife mentioned an article she read online about more insanity in our world. So this leads CR to his next question: “Hey Cranky Reverend, what is a ‘maintenance hole’ and will I need to see my gastroenterologist to get it checked it out?”

Maintenance Hole — what….is…..happening to society my dear brothers and sisters in Christ? But, here is the article titled “Manholes in Berkeley will now be called ‘maintenance holes’” — it explains the madness:

“At a Tuesday night city council meeting, Berkeley became the first city in America to ban the use of natural gas piping in new construction.”

Nope, that is not it — but it sure seems to me that the city council in Berkeley is working so hard they are obviously “gassed”. Perhaps they need to use more piping to ventilate the city council meetings. Keep reading…..

“But that was not the only utility-related issue they saw fit to attend to. No, there was another matter on deck: Eliminating the gendered connotations of words like “manhole” in the city municipal code. No longer will the streets of fair Berkeley be dotted with manholes, nary a womanhole or nonbinary hole in sight. With Tuesday night’s vote, they have all been transmuted into “maintenance holes,” that highest, hardest glass manhole-cover finally shattered.” (“Manholes in Berkeley will now be called ‘maintenance holes’”; by Filipa Ioannou, July 17, 2019, SFGATE.com)

Finally shattered — CR’s sanity is finally shattered. Don’t get CR wrong, for CR is all for gender neutral vocabulary in areas of life where it really matters. And yes, the rhetoric in our country is often a “cesspool” of filth and crap — but come on Berkeley — the best you can come up with is ‘Maintenance Hole’. What is next? Wait for it, CR has what is next:

Berkeley’s municipal code will no longer feature words like “Sorority” and “fraternity” but will change to “collegiate Greek system residence.”

I can just hear this future conversation: “Hey Bobby, you looking forward to attending “Indeterminate State”? You bet “person who is related to my human parent” — and I really hope I can rush a “collegiate Greek system” — I just hope the door is open or I might break my “Damn–dible”. (This will make more sense in about three minutes).

Seeing that we are slowly slipping into complete madness, CR has a few more suggestions for our gender-neutral efforts.

Manatee — will now be called “Swam–apee” as in “Hey mom, why is the water warmer in this part of the ocean? Oh………..It was a Swam-apee.”

Manual — will now be called “Humanual” as in “Hu really knew what to do to fix the copier. Well, he just looked in the “Humanual”.

Yea, that’s better……..

Manicure— will now be called “Ma’amicure” — and a prostate exam will now be called a “Manigram”. Some gender bias must be acceptable just for the laughs.

Manufacture — will now be called “Scam–ufacture” as in “That company “scamufactures” MAGA hats”.

Manifest — will be “Branifest” as in “Because I ate too much String Cheese, I will need to eat some prunes to “Branifest” some action before my colonoscopy.”

Mandible — will now be called “Damn–dible” as in “Ouch, I hit my “Damn–dible” when I tried to rush that collegiate Greek system……damn–dible it.

And you wonder why CR is so Cranky……….Oh great person — almighty.

Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility and my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth.”

Is it too “Hey sit down old man” of me to complain that the coffee shop next to the nail salon closes at 5:00 pm on a Monday. All this does is add to Cranky Reverend’s (CR) crankiness.

But this does lead me to CR’s next inquiry: “Hey Cranky Reverend, why does everyone want to sit in the back of the church?”

Oh, questioner, you have hit upon one of the timeless questions that seems to have no clear answer. It is like asking “Why do dogs chase their tails?” Or “Why would anyone build a house along the coast?”– not that CR is associating parishioners to dogs or to people who don’t understand what the term “storm surge” means. The only answer that seems clear to CR is: “Because you can!”

It seems to be a cultural phenomenon to want to sit in the back of a church these days. After all, attend any other venue and people pay high prices to sit in the very front. Take for example attending a hockey game or a Cher concert. Sitting ice-side allows you to throw your beer at the players and pound on the plexiglass when a fight breaks out — which by the way is every other drop of the puck — which causes you to buy more beer. I think it is a sweetheart deal between beer companies and hockey teams. And who doesn’t want to catch the spit and sweat coming off Cher at one of her concerts — right?

No, sitting in the back of the church is clearly a right of passage. Way back in the “olden days”, when there were kerosene and wood stoves in the front of the church, those who gave the most money or were the longest members in good standing were allowed to sit closest to the heater. So, to sit in the front of the church was a sign of status. The poorer you were, or the less money you gave to the church meant the further toward the back you sat — unless you sat on the sinner’s bench in the very back of the church — or you were CR’s parents who lamented that they came to church at all because the only way to get the “adolescent CR” to sit quietly was to sit on him — which happened almost every other Sunday. With the advent of central heating and air conditioning, the front was no longer the coveted seat — you could sit anywhere in relative comfort — I say relative because how comfortable can a hard, wooden seat be? Which also means that the front was no longer coveted seating — yet the question remains “Why? Why does everyone sit in the back?” With the decline in attendance that many congregations are experiencing, you would think people would want to sit closer to the action rather than further away so they could hear better. Perhaps if we sold beers before worship began, people might sit closer so they could throw their beers at the pastor if the sermon was crap.

Cranky Reverend once asked a group of parishioners (a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) why they liked to sit in the back of the church. Their answers, more or less included:

1. We like to see the entire nave — if we sit in the back we can see all of the stained glass windows….uhhhhhhhh OK.

2. It is easier to get to the bathroom if we sit in the back, nearest the door…the older CR gets the more this makes sense.

3. The pastor’s sermon makes more sense if we sit far away…yep, that makes sense.

4. If Jesus appears on Sunday morning, we don’t want to have to turn around to see him…because we know Jesus will appear in the back to take high fives as he comes to the front.

5. If the pastor trips on his alb, we want to get the entire congregation’s reaction on video….this is so true.

6. We sit in the back so we can critique……criticize…….comment on everyone’s outfit…you know you are all doing it.

7. This is where our grandparents sat…there butts left an imprint on the pew.

8. This is where our grandparent’s grandparents sat..two sets of butt prints.

9. The length of the sermon is proportional to the distance you sit from the pulpit–the sermon length is determined by taking the square root of the distance to the back pew, divided by pie….I mean pi.

10. It is always best to sit behind the speakers….in other words, we can be the first to eat pie at the coffee hour.

Sooooo, there you have it. And these rules apply even if the nave (that is the name of the part of the building where the people sit for worship) is full, half-full, or there are only six people in attendance. All six sit in the back, in different pews…

Welcome to Lutheran worship habits 101!!!!!