Author: Rev. David J. Schreffler

Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility and my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth.”

“HEY CRANKY REVEREND, who changed the motto of PA to “You’ve Got No Chance to Poop in PA”?

Look, CR understands how dangerous this Covid-19 virus is — that fact continues to be pounded into all of our heads with Governmental briefings every thirty minutes throughout the day. Wash your hands for at least twenty seconds, they say. Use hand sanitizer often, they say. Don’t touch your face with your hands, they say. Oh, and by the way, don’t poop in PA.

Wait, what was that last statement? Apparently, although the trucking industry is the back bone of Pennsylvania industry — the fact that Central PA is the hub of the spokes for the wheels for moving products from East to West, and North to South — someone thought is was a good idea to shut down all of the “Rest Areas” along the major highways in PA. Holy Sh**, Batman.

Cranky Reverend wants to know how that conversation went down. “You know, Governor”, poopy-head advisor number one says, “truck drivers are notorious for not washing their hands — it is disgusting”. “Oh and another thing”, replies poopy head advisor number two, “they also do not carry their own “lilac-scented” spray to make the bathrooms smell fresh and clean.” “Well that does it”, says the Governor, “we’ll show them. Shut down all rest areas — we have to protect all Pennsylvanians from those dirty-handed, ungrateful truck drivers who keep products moving all over this nation.”

Well, here is a recent update to our “constipated” thinking in the “bowels” of the idea men and women of PA — the Rest Areas are back open — fully supplied with smelly, disgusting, breeding grounds for various bacteria “Port-A-Potties”. Well not all of them — we can’t be too hospitable. We don’t want too much toilet paper in this state to clog up all those “Job Johnnies”.

That’s putting our brains where our behinds should be riding the roads of commerce all the way to………oh, to heck with it. I think I saw a recent “proto-type” for a new slogan in PA — “You’ve Got a Fiend in PA”.

One final thought, CR’s wife is employed by the PA Department of Transportation and nothing in this cranky rant reflects in any manner or form her opinion — in fact CR’s wife gave him one of two “dope-slaps” before CR could post it.

Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility and my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth.”

“HEY CRANKY REVEREND, who thought up the idea of “Shelter in Place?”

Covid-19 has changed all of our lives, and not for the better as far as this Cranky Reverend is concerned. Oh yes, forcing people to spend more time with their families, and actually sit down at a family meal, or even pulling out the dusty board games and interacting with one another is nice — but how much togetherness must we all endure?

Fully ten days into this idea of hunkering down in the home or apartment to protect ourselves from all the other “infected” people out there, this Cranky Reverend is getting really, really cranky. Even CR’s cats are tired of his presence. Any time they come for a meal, his cats give CR the bird, and CR does not mean the occasional deceased offering all cats feel compelled to give their (ha ha) owners.

Here are some of CR’s observations over the last ten days of “Sheltering H***”:

Apparently shelter in place is code for “Gather all your junk together and sell it on EBay.” The uptick in things “on sale” on FaceBook Market Place and EBay is astonishing — even perplexing. By the time we all get to come out of our houses again, there will be no need for Spring yard sales.

Apparently shelter in place is the English equivalent of the French term “Mise en Place” — you know, that obnoxious term for keeping order at your cooking station. If CR has to look at another video of some poor Schlub who has completely changed the “Feng Shui” of their home, CR is going to barf.

Apparently no one understands the difference between “Essential” businesses and “Non-Essential.” Essential means “Do not change my daily routine, EVER — I’M A SPOILED AMERICAN” — people need their “overpriced frozen yogurt and “pickle soaked chicken” or there will be heck to pay.

And finally, apparently people who use fancy French sayings to make a point and prove how “sophisticated” they are need to crawl back into their caves. Which is what this Cranky Reverend is about to do.