Cranky Reverend (CR) — CR’s mother gave him some great advice: “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth and enjoy the calories.” The Cranky Reverend blog is my attempt to address some of the more perplexing questions or comment upon the more frustrating situations that pastors encounter on a weekly basis. All of the names and the exact situations are “probable” (interpretation: truer than my receding hairline) — so if you feel a tinge of guilt, well, CR has no control over that.
Crankeverend remembers when a colleague of his, Pastor Rash commissioned a local artist to do an Icon of their church, St. Luke’s Lutheran Church – hoping it might just encourage them to consider entering into the “modern” age. Little did he know the trouble this one decision would “spark”. In fact, the local newspaper logged this short article once the fire was put out – literally.
“Saint Luke’s Lutheran Church Not a Total Loss: Suspicious Fire Contained to Chancel”
“I just couldn’t believe it”, said Pastor Rash. “The idea came to me as if the Holy Spirit herself lit a flame over my head: hire a local artist to paint a modern Icon of St. Luke, the patron Saint of artists. Who knew there were so many definitions of the word “modern”.
It began innocently enough, when Pastor Rash commissioned Easel N. Igmatic to paint an Icon of St. Luke to be hung in the Nave. As per the usual manner of commissioned pieces, no one could see the progress until the portrait was complete. As members of St. Luke’s gathered for their Wednesday evening worship service and dedication of the painting, expectations were high. “I enjoy a nice work of art, especially one commissioned for the church. It isn’t often we can support local starving artists.” said one member, refusing to give his name. “Pastor Rash had announced the Icon would be unveiled at the beginning of the service. And so people slowly made their way to the worship space. It just seemed like a normal Wednesday evening.”
Taking a long drag from his upside down, cold brew, Pastor Rash said “I talked with the artist about the vision I had…I wanted the painting to appear modern yet still honor St. Luke and his place among the Saints. I just didn’t think about it….I should have known better.” Pastor Rash paused for a second, still shaken by the evenings unfortunate turn of events. “I just should have known better. Why did I say “modern”?”
One member recounted the events of the evening to this reporter, “As the artist began to remove the covering over the painting, some of the members sitting closest to the chancel (actually they were about halfway back in the Nave but for Lutherans I am told that is sitting in front) well they seemed to be ooooing and ahhhhing over the painting. What many did not know was they were actually covering their eyes, not their mouths. The more people could make sense of the painting the worse it got.
Pastor Rash could only shake his head as he described the painting (now reduced to ashes). He said, “Imagine a Picasso meets Munch and The Scream. I looked at the painting in horror. Here was the face of St. Luke, one eye where his ear should be, another on his chin, his head painted on the body of a pink ox with wings coming out of his nose – while holding a stethoscope with both hands covering his face as if screaming “Sick Sinner.”
Slowly you could see the congregation begin to look up at the painting – and then look at each other. That’s when all hell broke loose. Pastor Rash shared, “One member screamed that blood was coming out of her eyes. Another tried to rush to the chancel hoping to douse the painting with her hermetically sealed sacramental wine cup, all the while sobbing uncontrollably.” A small mob began to gather at the back of the church with pitch forks and torches vis a vis “American Gothic”. “I knew I should have been clearer regarding my request for “modern” art. I guess the artist doesn’t truly understand how Lutherans feel about “modernity”. I never thought it would turn so……horrific.” said Pastor Rash.
Three people were taken to the local hospital with what officials called “Progressive Ocular Pustular Amblyopia Retinal Tracking” (POP ART for short). This reporter was unable to receive confirmation of their condition at the time of this article, or if they were released. “The temporary blindness should abate before summer.” said one member. In the rush to escort Pastor Rash out of the building before the mob could reach him, it is reported someone knocked over the candelabra, starting the fire which destroyed the painting. The church council president refused to confirm or deny this accounting of events.
A representative for St. Luke’s released this statement:
Pastor Rash apologizes for his decision to commission the painting of an Icon. He offers his sincerest apologies to anyone who was offended or in fact injured by looking at the Icon. In no way does the council or leaders of St. Luke’s condone anything “modern” or new, whether artwork, Iconography, contemporary music or changes to the liturgy and promises to do everything in their power to make sure nothing “new” comes into or out of their congregation come hell or high-water stains.
One member, when reached for comment, was unable to speak to this reporter. It was reported she has taken to her bed and is heard uttering simply “Why couldn’t he have painted Jesus knocking on the Door – not a vision of Dante’s Inferno?”
Services at St. Luke’s will continue once the Nave has been scrubbed and repainted. Of course this reporter must ask the question: “Can you scrub contempt for modernity from a carpet?”
Crankeverend, head shaking slowly and sadly reconsidered all of the decisions in CR’s life.
The "Frowning Glory" 
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