Cranky Reverend (CR) — CR’s mother gave him some great advice: “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth and enjoy the calories.” The Cranky Reverend blog is my attempt to address some of the more perplexing questions or comment upon the more frustrating situations that pastors encounter on a weekly basis. All of the names and the exact situations are “probable” (interpretation: truer than my receding hairline) — so if you feel a tinge of guilt, well, CR has no control over that.
“Hey Crankeverend, I thought the IHS on the cross meant “1 hour service”…..so why are your services so long? My butt has a one hour time limit in these pews.”
The most common lament in the Lutheran church is not “I don’t know these daggum hymns — why can’t we sing the good old hymns.” It is not “The wine at this church sure tastes awful.” No! The most common lament in the church is “Your services are longer than my attention span“….I mean “I don’t understand why the Lutheran Worship service should last longer than one hour.” Really…..are we that busy we can’t take 90 minutes out for G-d once a week? Cranky Reverend has heard this complaint and others like it now for 17 years. They sound more whiny than Moses at the burning bush complaining about the heat….or Job’s wife complaining her food is too salty….or Jonah complaining that his house smells like fish. Of course, the older CR gets the more he wants to ask people why they believe they are too busy for G-d — sort of like the people from the bible story who wouldn’t attend the wedding banquet just to tell the host “I just have too much to do….why are you bothering me?” (Luke 14:15-24)
CR used to sit next to a person when CR attended a church in his youth (YES CR WAS YOUNG ONCE) who, when it reached the 55 minute mark in the worship service, he would point to his watch and make a face — to anyone and everyone he could. Perhaps you know someone like that — perhaps you are the person (as Nathan accused David…look it up people).
Good people of G-d, what are you in such a hurry to get to on a Sunday that you don’t have the proper time to give G-d your proper attention? Chick-Fil-A is closed. There’s nothing good on television on a Sunday afternoon — believe CR, we have 2000 channels and there is nothing good to watch — in fact CR often questions why we have a television. And don’t tell CR you are in a hurry to go home to contemplate the pastor’s sermon. CR knows better. We all do.
CR has contemplated hiding small amounts of money in particular hymnals each Sunday encouraging people to stay longer to find the money. Or perhaps CR should offer back and butt cushions to rent every service — anything to raise more money for the homeless. And don’t even bring up the phenomenon where all but one or three people sit on one side of the Nave — CR calls it a “right pew conspiracy”.
One more thing. “INRI” does not stand for “In Need of Righting Implement” — Pilate didn’t know how to spell either. CR — OUT!
The "Frowning Glory" 
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