HEY CRANKY REVEREND….

Cranky Reverend (CR) — CR’s mother gave him some great advice: “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth and enjoy the calories.” The Cranky Reverend blog is my attempt to address some of the more perplexing questions or comment upon the more frustrating situations that pastors encounter on a weekly basis.

CR is often dealing with situations that make all pastors do a spit take. This kind of situation came up once again in CR’s life, and so he would like to share just a small snippet of the typical pastor’s life. All of the names and the exact situation are fictional — but if you feel a tinge of guilt, well, CR has no control over that.

“Ring Ring” — (Interpretation — phone ringing — CR is so old he even uses old references for telephone rings.)

CR: “This is Cranky Reverend” (Clarification — CR is still holding onto the small shred of dignity and self-esteem he can muster for another week of passive aggressive behavior from the parishioners)

Concerned Member (CM): “Yes Crankeverend, how are you this morning?” (Interpretation — concerned member does not actually want to hear how CR is doing). “Why I was thinking about ______” (place any name of an individual from your congregation who has lapsed in their attendance in the last year) “I wonder why they haven’t been in church lately — do you want me to call them?” (Interpretation — this of course is what the business world calls a “bait and switch” — the concerned member is offering to reach out to a lapsed member, but in fact they have no intention of actually doing it — they will come up with every reason why they will not or cannot — but will be sure to tell others how concerned they were and tried to offer to call, but the pastor declined their offer).

CR: “Yes, well, I have tried to reach out to _________” (place any name of an individual from your congregation who has lapsed in their attendance in the last year) “several times in the last few weeks, and they always tell me they will be at church the next Sunday — perhaps if you spoke to them they might tell you what keeps them from coming on a regular basis.” (Clarification — there is nothing written in the pastor’s handbook that says it is only his or her responsibility to reach out to members. You see, this is what it means to be part of the great cloud of witnesses, the Communion of Saints — the Priesthood of All Believers. Christianity was the original adherent of the buddy system — Jesus sent his disciples in pairs, with buddies, so they could support one another and encourage one another. As such all members should be looking out for one another and supporting one another — not just the pastor.)

CM: “Well, I have to go to the grocery store later, and my dog has an appointment with the groomer — and well, I am very busy — but I am sure they would like to hear from you.” (Interpretation — passing the buck is not just a game Grizzly bears play after a good kill.)

CR: (Blood pressure rising, veins sticking out of CR’s neck) “Well, I know you are very busy, concerned member.” (interpretation — of course everything else takes precedence over the well-being of another member — hair appointments, bridge club, trips to the beach.) “And your time is precious.” (Interpretation — obviously the pastor only works one day a week, so he or she is always available — to hell with the other 200 members of the congregation — and the pastor’s family — or their health — or their time off.)

CM: “Well, I do know they were offended when you said something in your sermon about sin — and then looked directly at them.” (Clarification — it is ok to name sin, but do not dare look directly at the parishioners — after all, they are here to hear good news, not about that sinning stuff — it is so depressing.) “They said it must have been so obvious they were not in church, and it is your job to reach out to our lapsed members after all.” (Interpretation — the same members who often do not come to church for months at a time, and never reached out to CR to ask for a visit.)

CR: (taking a full gulp of coffee and looking to spit into the phone — though knowing it would only fall on CR’s lap and why should CR waste a good gulp of coffee) “Yes, concerned member, and I have reached out to many of our lapsed members in the last two months, and they keep saying they will give me a time to visit. But they keep kicking that can down the road.” (Interpretation — pastors are supposed to have an intuitive sense when someone is hurting, in the hospital, or in need of some counseling — even though the member never calls the church office, or the pastor — but just fumes in their self-righteous juices.)

CM: “Well, we know you are busy Crankeverend, but communication in this church is just awful.” (Interpretation — given the opportunity, rather than taking responsibility and calling the office, or the pastor, members wait until a meeting and then tell the pastor why he or she is wrong, what he or she should have done, and how troubling it is that no one knows what is happening — instead of actually taking time to have a private conversation with the pastor.) “Crankeverend, we are truly blessed to have you here, and support you in every way.” (Interpretation — as soon as CM gets off the phone, CM will call another member and complain how awful it is that so many people are not coming to church, and they guess the pastor is going to try to do something, but you know, communication in the church us just awful.)

CR: (Pulling CR’s head out of the wall after banging it repeatedly) “Thank you again concerned member, and CR will see you on Sunday.” (Interpretation — CR hopes you will have all of your errands done by Sunday, or decide not to sleep in, or your dog decides to need a visit to their psychic, or……..)