Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility and my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth.”
“HEY CRANKY REVEREND, whatever happened to calling your relatives to tell them if you were having a boy or a girl?”
Again, CR runs the risk of sounding like the “Old Man who shouted at you to get off his lawn”, but for the love of all things holy, has everyone come unhinged?
Recently CR watched a video of a couple who wanted to share with their relatives and friends the gender of their expected child. It is one of those “new-fangled” fads that has been sweeping the world over the last ten years — called the “Gender Reveal”. It all began with one woman who wanted to share with her family the gender of her anticipated baby — so she baked a cake with pink icing. Simple. Concise. Not over the top. No baseball bats hitting wives in the head — no cars bursting into flames. But, it went viral, and the rest explains why our country is going to hell in a hand-basket — and if you have no idea what a hand-basket is, well stop tailing CR when you drive, da**it.
Anyway, CR needed to waste some of the remaining hours in his life that CR will never get back, and watched some of these failed attempts to do what a simple phone call used to do. So, here are CR’s top five:
Number one shows expectant mom and dad standing in their yard — in front of a homemade cannon. You cannot make up stupid, CR means it. One shot — nothing. Second shot, malfunction. Third shot, projectile misses mom and dad (thank the Lord) but the recoil nails the cannon shooter — karma dude.
Number two shows mom tossing a baseball (filled with either blue or pink powder) to dad — dad swings like he has always wanted to hit one out of “The Green Monster” — but instead of a homer, he hits a line drive hitting expectant mom in the nose. Of course, the baseball never came apart — so we have no idea what the gender is — but we do know when the divorce will be. Tell me someone didn’t think of all of the ways this could fail — right? No one said “Look, dude, this could go really wrong, you know what I mean?”
Number three shows expectant mom and dad both trying to swing the baseball bat to hit a ball (filled with rainbow sprinkles perhaps) off a little kiddie tee. They miss the first time. So, dad thinks it is a good idea for him to hit the ball, while mom stands, you guessed it, right behind him. How many times have all of us watched the little kid swing at the tee, miss, and hit dad in the twigs and berries? Anyway, dad hits the ball, leaving a blue mist — which neither he nor his wife saw since the bat hit mom in the head….while everyone laughs, screams, cringes…..and then calls 9-1-1.
Number four shows mom and dad standing under a box suspended by dental floss under a tree branch — or a deck post — or some other object. Two strings hang down from the box. Mom and dad each grab a string, as the countdown commences — five, four, three, two, one…………you guessed it, as they pulled on the dental floss, the entire box drops — hitting mom in the nose — leaving dad to kick open the box, and then find an ice pack for his wife.
Number five, CR’s favorite failed gender reveal shows a fancy car, revving its engine, while excited family and friends stand by filming. The viewer has a great view from the drone footage — which begins with blue powder pouring out of the exhaust pipes on the expensive car. The people cheer — the car continues to spin its tires — blue smoke continues to pour from the exhaust — until, suddenly, flames shoot out from behind the car. Suddenly, people start pouring out from the car as flames begin to engulf the car — leaving a funny, fail for all of America and the entire world to see.
Look, CR has some advice for expectant parents — use the phone — don’t give in to the madness — use the phone — that’s why you spend all that money every month…..besides, if you do something really idiotic while everyone is filming — you know it is going to end up on the internet. Not your best moment, dude!
Yes, having a baby is a momentous occasion. Having children is neither for the weary nor for the faint of heart — in fact it is a calling. Believe CR, having children is a life-changing moment. And CR believes all children are a gift. But so are the parents. Parenting is becoming a lost art — a lost responsibility — you “Millennial” and “Generation Z” parents are making us baby boomers look like geniuses. Yet, CR is thrilled that these videos show two parents — two people looking forward to their “new addition” — and do not say that CR is an “anti-singleparenter”. It just makes the journey that much more rewarding and that much more manageable if there are two people raising the child — or six (including grand-parents) — or ten if you include a minyan.
According to recent statistics fromthe United States Census Bureau: “Between 1960 and 2016, the percentage of children living in families with two parents decreased from 88 to 69 (%). Of those 50.7 million children living in families with two parents, 47.7 million live with two married parents and 3.0 million live with two unmarried parents. And 23% of children are being raised by a single mother.”
CR has just one suggestion for you new parents: you need to keep all of your brain cells, and as much of your wits about you. Do not lose too many brain cells doing “gender reveals”, and save some of your stupid escapades for actual parenting. Nothing says “I love you dad” like getting hit in the face by your little bundle of joy’s first drone. Now that will be a camera moment.
The "Frowning Glory" 
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