HEY CRANKY REVEREND…..

Cranky Reverend (CR) is trying to find some sanity in this world of accusations, fake news, hate thy neighbor television and cancerous conversations….whatever happened to civility and my mother’s advice “If you have nothing nice to say, then stuff a doughnut in your mouth.”

Is it too “Hey sit down old man” of me to complain that the coffee shop next to the nail salon closes at 5:00 pm on a Monday. All this does is add to Cranky Reverend’s (CR) crankiness.

But this does lead me to CR’s next inquiry: “Hey Cranky Reverend, why does everyone want to sit in the back of the church?”

Oh, questioner, you have hit upon one of the timeless questions that seems to have no clear answer. It is like asking “Why do dogs chase their tails?” Or “Why would anyone build a house along the coast?”– not that CR is associating parishioners to dogs or to people who don’t understand what the term “storm surge” means. The only answer that seems clear to CR is: “Because you can!”

It seems to be a cultural phenomenon to want to sit in the back of a church these days. After all, attend any other venue and people pay high prices to sit in the very front. Take for example attending a hockey game or a Cher concert. Sitting ice-side allows you to throw your beer at the players and pound on the plexiglass when a fight breaks out — which by the way is every other drop of the puck — which causes you to buy more beer. I think it is a sweetheart deal between beer companies and hockey teams. And who doesn’t want to catch the spit and sweat coming off Cher at one of her concerts — right?

No, sitting in the back of the church is clearly a right of passage. Way back in the “olden days”, when there were kerosene and wood stoves in the front of the church, those who gave the most money or were the longest members in good standing were allowed to sit closest to the heater. So, to sit in the front of the church was a sign of status. The poorer you were, or the less money you gave to the church meant the further toward the back you sat — unless you sat on the sinner’s bench in the very back of the church — or you were CR’s parents who lamented that they came to church at all because the only way to get the “adolescent CR” to sit quietly was to sit on him — which happened almost every other Sunday. With the advent of central heating and air conditioning, the front was no longer the coveted seat — you could sit anywhere in relative comfort — I say relative because how comfortable can a hard, wooden seat be? Which also means that the front was no longer coveted seating — yet the question remains “Why? Why does everyone sit in the back?” With the decline in attendance that many congregations are experiencing, you would think people would want to sit closer to the action rather than further away so they could hear better. Perhaps if we sold beers before worship began, people might sit closer so they could throw their beers at the pastor if the sermon was crap.

Cranky Reverend once asked a group of parishioners (a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away) why they liked to sit in the back of the church. Their answers, more or less included:

1. We like to see the entire nave — if we sit in the back we can see all of the stained glass windows….uhhhhhhhh OK.

2. It is easier to get to the bathroom if we sit in the back, nearest the door…the older CR gets the more this makes sense.

3. The pastor’s sermon makes more sense if we sit far away…yep, that makes sense.

4. If Jesus appears on Sunday morning, we don’t want to have to turn around to see him…because we know Jesus will appear in the back to take high fives as he comes to the front.

5. If the pastor trips on his alb, we want to get the entire congregation’s reaction on video….this is so true.

6. We sit in the back so we can critique……criticize…….comment on everyone’s outfit…you know you are all doing it.

7. This is where our grandparents sat…there butts left an imprint on the pew.

8. This is where our grandparent’s grandparents sat..two sets of butt prints.

9. The length of the sermon is proportional to the distance you sit from the pulpit–the sermon length is determined by taking the square root of the distance to the back pew, divided by pie….I mean pi.

10. It is always best to sit behind the speakers….in other words, we can be the first to eat pie at the coffee hour.

Sooooo, there you have it. And these rules apply even if the nave (that is the name of the part of the building where the people sit for worship) is full, half-full, or there are only six people in attendance. All six sit in the back, in different pews…

Welcome to Lutheran worship habits 101!!!!!