Crankeverend, the Cranky pastor, the Cranky Reverend that CR is — trying to come to terms with a new year — and the new year is not accepting CR’s terms. So, the negotiating goes on. But, we are up to day 11 of the 12 Daze of “Crankimas”, and there is a whole winter of crankiness spread out before CR like a picnic blanket full of pies made of squid and cow placenta. (MMMMM…..nothing like fresh cow placenta). And what better to wash down that cow placenta (CR just loves saying cow placenta) is there than a fresh cup of coffee. But there is a crisis in Cranki-land — a full blown, red alert, top level, get your best agents on this case because the end is near crisis.
In the 11th Daze of Christmas, CR was pondering: the worst possible news came across the radio today — coffee growers are beginning to be affected by climate change — ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
Based on a report CR heard on the radio show “Here and Now” and the attached article Coffee Snobs: This brew may get pricey, thanks to climate change there is trouble brewing in coffee land. It is latte breaking news. Here is an excerpt from the above mentioned article:
“We have known for some time that coffee is a climate-sensitive crop. Now we have the first global evidence that increasing minimum, or night-time, temperatures are having the hardest impact on your daily brew. A warmer world with soaring day time temperatures has been linked to the decline of many plant and animal species. Unless climate change can be mitigated, or farmers can find ways to adapt, the future for many crops including coffee looks bleak. Coffea arabica and Coffea robusta are the most popular forms of coffee in the world. Due to the quality, arabica achieves a much higher price premium. Coffea arabica, which accounts for most of the world’s production is grown throughout the highland tropics of Africa, typically between 1000 and 2300 meters above sea level. Most is grown in Tanzania, Kenya and Ethiopia. In the past, heat and drought stress were typically noted as the major constraints that affected coffee production. Now it appears that steadily increasing night-time temperatures are actually having the greatest impact.”
For CR, this is the worst possible news for the world’s coffee production. No, it has nothing to do with the increase in the cost of a cup of coffee — CR will bite the bullet — maybe drink a little less from CR’s favorite “Siren” Coffee shop. But, a world with less coffee production is a world CR does not want to live in. Period. CR already has a headache just thinking about it.
Just imagine all of the bleary-eyed people in your work place snapping at each other. Someone walks into Crankeverend’s office and says: “Crankastor, I wanted to let you know there were two mistakes in the bulletin.” Crankeverend reaches for a cup of coffee, and upon finding it empty, and having no “K-cups” in his drawer to put between CR’s cheek and gums, or chocolate covered coffee beans to munch on, CR’s blood pressure spikes. CR retorts, “CR tells you what — you want fewer mistakes, YOU DO THE BULLETIN!” CR’s wife reaches back and gives CR a good dope-slap. “Sorry Crankster-wife, even a “Snickers” won’t change CR’s mood for the better.”
CR is sure that the decreased coffee production will be the first sign of the Apocalypse. The second sign: coffee deprived people roaming the streets like zombies — it will be the “Caramel Macchiato Zombie Apoca-latte-ypse”.
Crankeverend………………….DUNCE — Deadly Urgent Non-Coffee Existence
The "Frowning Glory" 
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