Month: January 2017

Crankeverend is finally up to the last daze of Christmas, and this stellar endeavor has left CR in a bit of a daze. But, thank the Lord there is always an ending — nothing goes on forever, except for a dental examine, though it just seems like it is forever — but in my version of Hell, that is what I will be doing for eternity — an eternal dental exam with the dentist from “Little Shop of Horrors” saying repeatedly “you could not have flossed as much as you said you did.  Now Spit…….”

Any way, in the 12th daze of Christmas, CR was pondering: what is the optimal length of a sermon, especially a sermon about nothing?

A sermon about nothing — you may ponder that phrase for just a moment as CR builds toward a cranky crechendo.  “What are your favorite types of sermons?”, people ask CR.  CR’s favorite kind of sermon is one where CR doesn’t see people falling asleep, where people are not distracted by the spider webs in the chandeliers, and people are not writing down their grocery list for later that day.  CR’s favorite kind of sermon is one where CR does not feel as if CR has just wasted twenty minutes of the congregation’s time. CR’s favorite kind of sermon is one where CR doesn’t feel as if CR just preached about nothing.  Sermons are funny things — but putting one together is no laughing matter.  Writing a sermon that captures the attention of everyone for the entire sermon, that draws a clear distinction between law and gospel, that helps people realize why Jesus died for the sins of all and then leads people to do something about that — and includes some humor and maybe a personal story or two — that is CR’s favorite kind of sermon — and the really great preacher makes it look so easy.   For the rest of us, it becomes a passion, an albatross, a work, a release, a cross to bear, and a weekly struggle.

Look, CR has preached many a sermon about nothing — at least that is how CR feels about it.  For Crankeverend, sermon preparation is not a small thing.  CR begins Sunday evening, usually, knowing the last sermon hasn’t even been forgottten by most of CR’s congregation yet.  The pastor seeking to deliver a sermon that is not about nothing is living with the “Word” appointed for that Sunday each and every day.    The pastor who doesn’t want to write a sermon about nothing will write, and write, and re-write over and over again.  At least, that is what CR does.  And yet, CR may still write a sermon about nothing — because in the end, either the Spirit is in the preached word or is not, and that is dependent on the Spirit.  All CR can do is pray that the Spirit is in the process from the very beginning.

So, what is the optimal length of a sermon, especially a sermon about nothing?  It doesn”t matter how many pages the sermon is, or how many words are in the sermon, the sermon about nothing will seem to last an eternity — and a sermon filled with the Holy Spirit will seem to last a second.  Notice CR said nothing about a sermon with audio-visual props and other “aids” for the preacher.  A sermon about nothing with interesting pictures shown throughout is still a sermon about nothing.  A sermon that entertains with puppets and pictures and movie trailers and the like — if it contains zero presence of the Holy Spirit, it is still a sermon about nothing — just an entertaining one.

My friends, CR has one word of advice:  if your pastor delivers a sermon about nothing,  perhaps it is not time to find a new pastor, perhaps you need to pray more for your pastor — find others in your congregation and pray together for the Holy Spirit to light the Word on fire in your pastor’s heart, and in their words, and in their preaching.  And, CR is telling you something profound here, so listen — if you are only getting NOTHING out of preaching, perhaps YOU need to open your ears, and your hearts, and your understanding — ask your pastor to provide a written copy of the sermon so you can take it home and read it again, and pray on it, and look up things you do not understand.  

Sermons about nothing are everyone’s problem — we all bear the responsibility of praying for and encouraging our pastors to preach the Gospel — and preach it with guts, with passion, and with honesty.  But they should not be about nothing — or at least they should not feel like a dental exam!

Crankeverend…………………..dang it, where’s my sermon?

Crankeverend, the Cranky pastor, the Cranky Reverend that CR is — trying to come to terms with a new year — and the new year is not accepting CR’s terms.  So, the negotiating goes on.  But, we are up to day 11 of the 12 Daze of “Crankimas”, and there is a whole winter of crankiness spread out before CR like a picnic blanket full of pies made of squid and cow placenta.  (MMMMM…..nothing like fresh cow placenta).  And what better to wash down that cow placenta (CR just loves saying cow placenta) is there than a fresh cup of coffee.  But there is a crisis in Cranki-land — a full blown, red alert, top level, get your best agents on this case because the end is near crisis. 

In the 11th Daze of Christmas, CR was pondering: the worst possible news came across the radio today — coffee growers are beginning to be affected by climate change — ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

Based on a report CR heard on the radio show “Here and Now” and the attached article Coffee Snobs: This brew may get pricey, thanks to climate change there is trouble brewing in coffee land.  It is latte breaking news.  Here is an excerpt from the above mentioned article:

“We have known for some time that coffee is a climate-sensitive crop. Now we have the first global evidence that increasing minimum, or night-time, temperatures are having the hardest impact on your daily brew.  A warmer world with soaring day time temperatures has been linked to the decline of many plant and animal species. Unless climate change can be mitigated, or farmers can find ways to adapt, the future for many crops including coffee looks bleak.  Coffea arabica and Coffea robusta are the most popular forms of coffee in the world. Due to the quality, arabica achieves a much higher price premium.  Coffea arabica, which accounts for most of the world’s production is grown throughout the highland tropics of Africa, typically between 1000 and 2300 meters above sea level. Most is grown in Tanzania, Kenya and Ethiopia.  In the past, heat and drought stress were typically noted as the major constraints that affected coffee production. Now it appears that steadily increasing night-time temperatures are actually having the greatest impact.”

For CR, this is the worst possible news for the world’s coffee production.  No, it has nothing to do with the increase in the cost of a cup of coffee — CR will bite the bullet — maybe drink a little less from CR’s favorite “Siren” Coffee shop.  But, a world with less coffee production is a world CR does not want to live in.  Period.  CR already has a headache just thinking about it.  

Just imagine all of the bleary-eyed people in your work place snapping at each other.  Someone walks into Crankeverend’s office and says: “Crankastor, I wanted to let you know there were two mistakes in the bulletin.”  Crankeverend reaches for a cup of coffee, and upon finding it empty, and having no “K-cups” in his drawer to put between CR’s cheek and gums, or chocolate covered coffee beans to munch on, CR’s blood pressure spikes.  CR retorts, “CR tells you what — you want fewer mistakes, YOU DO THE BULLETIN!”  CR’s wife reaches back and gives CR a good dope-slap.  “Sorry Crankster-wife, even a “Snickers” won’t change CR’s mood for the better.”

CR is sure that the decreased coffee production will be the first sign of the Apocalypse.  The second sign: coffee deprived people roaming the streets like zombies — it will be the “Caramel Macchiato Zombie Apoca-latte-ypse”.

Crankeverend………………….DUNCE — Deadly Urgent Non-Coffee Existence