Crankeverend continues to speak from the dead in CR’s newest compilation, the 12 Daze of Christmas, and we are now up to day 3.
In the third daze of Christmas, CR asked this question — is it true that everything is closed on Christmas morning — everything that is except the church?
Look, CR is all about Christmas — no matter how Joyless CR appears to be during the Christmas season. If you do not know CR, then you do not know that CR is really, really tired of what the advertising industry has done to Christmas — they have turned it into a hedonistic revelry and worship of merchandise. BOOM! CR said it. But in the ever increasing search for the almighty dollar, there are more and more businesses that are opening at some point in time on Christmas Day. Christmas Day! Christmas Day used to be the one day where no business was open, except the church. Nothing was open — except people’s hearts (and wallets) in giving gifts to one another and making time for family and friends (oh, and did I mention THE CHURCH). But, then there was one or two gas stations open because, you know, someone might need gas on Christmas day (and CR does not mean the gastrointestinal type). And then more and more gas station chains were expanding to selling more than just gas, and before long, most of the gas station chains were open on Christmas Day. Now, this Christmas there was a specific coffee shop, the one with the mermaid logo, that allowed the local franchise owners to decide if they would open on Christmas, and one of those stores just happens to be on the way to CR’s church. So, thinking CR might have a little quiet time (in CR’s attempt to wake up since it took until around 2 am to calm down from Christmas Eve Services) and time to do morning devotions, CR trekked toward the Mermaid place. Little did CR know the shock — the sonic boom about to unleash itself on Christmas morning.
I guess in defense of CR’s naivete, CR thinks that Christmas morning is spent watching little creatures and bigger people rip open packages. This has been CR’s experience for, well, since around 1962 (although that Christmas CR was only five days old). CR sadly learned that many people do not have anywhere to go on Christmas morning other than to a local Mermaid coffee place to get, as one lady stated (much to CR’s shock and horror) to get “their fix”. CR was shocked to hear such language. CR does not go there to get a “fix” — just because they call the base of CR’s favorite drink a “shot” is simply coincidental. CR DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM.
CR’s hope of some quiet time, alone, in a coffee shop while the rest of Cumberland County was opening up Christmas gifts was not to be. And CR knew it the moment CR turned into the parking lot. There were almost no parking spaces available. “What was going on?” CR thought to himself. “Was there a party after hours at the mermaid coffee shop and too many people were caffeinated beyond their ability to drive that they all took Uber rides home?” But then CR opened the door, and the mass of humanity was overwhelming. CR found the only two remaining seats in the joint and collapsed, hopes destroyed, bubble burst, Christmas miracle not to be, feeling like CR was punched in the gut. In the immortal words of George Bailey “That’s what I get for praying” (after he got socked in the mouth). CR ordered a coffee with the mobile order app so CR didn’t have to be the 16th person in line. There was no Christmas joy — only Christmas wonder — CR wondering why these schmucks aren’t home opening gifts?
And so, Crankeverend once again is thwarted in the attempt to find some peace in this life. Oh well, lesson learned, though CR is not quite sure what that lesson is. Certainly it is not to stop drinking coffee. The world is not ready for that.
Crankeverend…………………..Caffeinated!
The "Frowning Glory" 
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