All events and people characterized by Crankeverend on his Cranky Reverend page are mostly fictitious, though the events can be a thorn in the side of one cranky reverend. If CR offends, it is not the intention of a cranky reverend to offend people — it is only to perpetuate the concerns of one cranky reverend. No animals or aliens were harmed during the writing of this page. This blog contains no MSG, is gluten-free, and helps the digestion of things hard to swallow.
So, Crankeverend (CR) slogged his way into the office the other week — CR says slogged because it has been just rainy and gloomy in PA these last few days, and what better language to use than “slogged” for a Monday morning. Anyway, CR was greeted with a nice “Hello” from the office administrator and CR went in to drop his “gazillion” things that he carries around because any day CR is expecting an asteroid to hit the planet or aliens to land — and so CR carries all of CR’s belongings so that it will be easier to post a nice “So long and thanks for the laughs” note to all of CR’s friends (all three of them) before the lights go out and CR can prove that you can take it all with you.
Anyway, CR sits down and the office administrator says “Oh, by the way, Cranky Pastor wants you to call”. Crankastor (CP for short) is a colleague and a friend (one of the three friends CR spoke about earlier — even cranky pastors need to stick together.) CR sighed that deep sigh CR has developed since CR was fourteen years old — the year CR realized that CR’s behavior actually affected other people. And what better way to make people crazy is there than to let out a deep, audible “SIGH”. Now, CR knew that if CP called, he must have something to be cranky about. CR pulled out the phone, and with shaky hands, dialed his number.
CP answered, and launched into a long story about how someone had left a note in the church complaining about something — CR can’t even remember what it was because CR immediately remembered the desk drawer in front of CR and the collection of “notes” it contained from people who have left them around the church stating their dissatisfaction. With CP lamenting on the other end of the phone, CR pulled them out one at a time…..and read them again.
“These pews are TOO UNCOMFORTABLE!.”
“My feet are too cold — did we pay the heat bill?”
“It’s too dark in here!”
“The bulletin print is TOO SMALL!”
“It’s TOO FAR to walk to take communion!”
“YOU preach too much about SIN — now I feel BAD ABOUT MYSELF!”
“Why is there water in the baptismal font — are we Catholic?”
CR couldn’t go on. There were just too many. And besides, CP was still ranting and raving. “Look CP, CR understands how you feel. CR doesn’t understand why people just can’t pull either of us aside and say, “Crankeverend, I want to talk to you sometime about pew cushions”, or “Crankastor, is anyone talking about the flow of communion — can I talk to you about some suggestions?”
CR drank a sip from his upside down, four shot, no sugar, extra cream, shaken not stirred “Americano” as CP settled down — it was his fourth one today. CR shared how the complaints at the church were beginning to wear CR down to just a shadow of CR’s former self — and CR wondered when society decided people shouldn’t talk to one another. Instead of actually talking to each other people have decided just to post notes randomly around their environment. CR imagines walking into CR’s house one day and finding a note from one of CR’s cats stating “Thair ishn’t enuf fuud in the boal”. CR walks to the bathroom to find another note “There wasn’t any TP, I had to use one of the bills from your wallet because it was too far to walk to the closet to find more TP.” Funny CR didn’t remember having any money in CR’s wallet — then it hit him. CR drove to the bank and when he went to the bank teller window he found a note “Your breath smells like coffee and that makes me feel too bad — next window please”. CR said “This Cranky Reverend was just about to jump from the bridge of bad analogies when CR decided to open my bible. There CR found, of course, a sticky note from G-d. It read:
“I see you are down. Try reading 1 Corinthians 10:13, and if that doesn’t help read all of John 17. BTW, this bible is TOO HEAVY — JK ;)”
Now, CR knows what it says in 1 Cor. 10:13, about how no trial has overtaken us that is not common to everyone. It goes on to say that G-d is a faithful G-d and will show us a way out so we can endure it. And of course, John 17 is where Jesus prays for the oneness of the followers of Jesus so that they can endure this world being in a relationship with one another as the Father and the Son are in relationship.”
“You see Crankastor, this is where the irony of this situation really plays out. We come to church to be in relationship with Jesus — to hear about Jesus’ words of love, forgiveness, mercy and Grace. This then is to inform us about being in relationship with one another — praying for one another — talking to one another — working together for the kingdom of G-d.” CP said, “You know CR, there is something ironic about these notes. Maybe CP should write a note and leave it in the pulpit instead of preaching this week. Here is what it would say:
“CP has gotten the notes — instead of preaching once again about the love of Jesus, CP thinks we should sit together in groups of 5’s 10’s and 20’s (Just like Jesus had the people sit when he fed the 5000). Then we will look each other in the face and share our feelings and concerns for the church and for each other. Then we will write them all down on a sticky note — throw them in a bowl and burn them on the day of Pentecost to give them to the Holy Spirit. Then, we can get on with talking to one another about how we can work together to be the Church.”
“CP, that is a great idea.” said CR. CR continued, “And now CR would end this phone call with a witty remark, but CR lost his “Post-it Note Pad” — it must be behind the doors of CR’s perceptions — or under the rug on CR’s bald head — a large place to put a sticky note that says “Will work for complaints”.” There was silence on the other end of the phone — all CR heard was a deep “SIGH” — and then a click.
Crankeverend……….stuck!
The "Frowning Glory" 
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