So, Crankeverend (CR) was talking with one of his colleagues, and we were swapping stories about the people who stop at our churches to ask for assistance. Look, as pastors, we are committed to trying to help people who honestly need the help. If someone needs a tank of gas, we will meet them at the gas station. If they need some food, we will take them to the grocery store, or buy them a sandwich. But, as is often the case, people do not want “things”, they want cash. And why do they want cash? You fill in the reason…..
As CR and Crankastor (CP) talked, what we found most interesting was this, that although we pastor in two different cities, the excuses and the stories are almost identical. For example, here are some of our experiences…
“Pastor, I need your help. I am trying to go home to (insert state name here) and if you can help me get some gas, I will be on my way.” The problem is, if CR or CP offers to meet them at the gas station, they never show up. They would prefer cash. Why do they want cash? Most likely to fund a drug habit.
“Pastor, I have two kids, and my oldest daughter has moved in with her little baby. I need some formula and diapers for the baby. Can you help?” The problem is, if CP or CR offers to take them to the store, they tell us they have to come back later, and then they never do. But if we offer them cash, or a check, their eyes light up. One local policeman told CR, after CR had to call the police (because one woman not only stopped at CR’s church for money, but was stopping people in parking lots of grocery stores and asking for cash and the police wanted to do a wellness check on her children) — the policeman told CR this woman was looking for money for a heroin habit. And if you give them a gift card, they will only sell them for the cash.
“Pastor, I am angry at G-d. I feel like ending it all if I do not get out of this city. I need to buy a bus ticket. I have 20 dollars and the bus ticket is 25 dollars, and I want some extra money to buy some food. Can you give me 15 dollars?” Crankastor tells the man he will buy him the bus ticket. That way he can use his own money for food. The man excuses himself to use the bathroom, and then leaves — because he just wanted the money. This is after the CP spent time counseling him about his anger toward G-d.
Can you see why Crankeverend and Crankastor, and other pastors get discouraged and down-right angry with people who are trying to take advantage of the Grace of the church?
CR gets really cranky with the people who stop month, after month, after month, after month, even when they are informed that CR will only help someone every six months. They call and harass church staff and will even stop during church services and when members are leaving the church after services, will ask them for money. And the good people of CR’s congregation will help them out — because they have no idea that they have stopped month after month, after month. Since when has the church become a social service agency? And when we refuse to help, they accuse the church of not caring about the homeless, or the abused, or those who are in need.
The problem with CR, and this comes from a local police officer, is CR is a sucker for a sob story. And the stories often are so similar, and there’s always a story. “Pastor I have gone to New Hope Ministry (or insert any organization who helps people with food and other assistance) and they can’t help me (most likely because New Hope asked them to be responsible in some manner or form and they don’t wish to try to change their situation, they just want money for alcohol or drugs); or I just need money for diapers, or formula, or the rest of my rent, or a pipe burst, or my daughter moved back home and has a baby, or I just need gas to get back to Kentucky, or I need help to buy a muffler for my truck.”
Rarely do they ask for a prayer, do they ask for guidance, do they ask for some counseling — and they know just when to stop: just as the church service is ending, just when bible study is over, just before you are leaving for the day, just when the office is closing, just when you have gotten out of your car in the morning and haven’t had the chance to take off your coat, or they chase after your car when you are pulling out of the parking lot and they begin to bang on your window.
Many pastors say that the thing they dislike the most about being a pastor is weddings — dealing with “Bride-zillas”, dealing with rogue camera people, or dealing with pushy wedding coordinators. CR loves weddings. CR loves to meet the couples, argue with camera people, and disappoint wedding coordinators. CR gets really Cranky with the open-handed frequent flyer who doesn’t want spiritual guidance, doesn’t care about a relationship with G-d, and will never darken the doors of the church when the service is just beginning – all they want is money.
Crankeverend…..and his friend Crankastor — yes CR has one friend…….Out!
The "Frowning Glory" 
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