Hymn Pushes Her to the Breaking Point

Crankeverend was sitting at his desk one day, sifting through the pile of papers and notices from his local synod.  He picked up an article someone had sent him from a mid-western synod…he read it carefully as he sipped his warm beverage….

September 31, 2015

“Hymn Pushes Her to the Breaking Point”

“I just couldn’t believe it”, said Bonnie.  “I came with a song on my lips, ready to sing with love in my heart, and I ran out embarrassed and angry.”  This was the scene last evening at St. Melodious Lutheran Church, where a quiet Wednesday evening service ended in a scene reminiscent of Dante’s Inferno.

It began innocently enough, when members of St. Mel (as locals call it) gathered for their Wednesday evening Lent worship service and meal.  “I enjoyed a nice bowl of chicken corn soup and the orange jello with carrots really hit the spot.” said one member, refusing to give his name. “Pastor Angst had announced the beginning of the service and people slowly made their way to the worship space.  It just seemed like a normal Wednesday evening.”

Taking a long drag from his upside down, three pump caramel macchiato, Pastor Angst said “I talked with the organist about the change in the opening hymn…I wanted to sing something that matched better with my sermon”.  “I just didn’t think about it….I should have known better.”  Pastor Angst paused for a second, still shaken by the evenings unfortunate turn of events.  “I just should have known better.  I just didn’t think it through.”

Another member told this reporter, “As the organist began the first hymn, some of the more confident singers tried to sing along with the organ.  The people began with such gusto, but the longer it went, the worse it got.  Slowly you could see the congregation begin to look up from their hymnals and look at each other.  And then, All hell broke loose”.   Organist Cindy Minor sat holding a hymnal that someone had ripped in half, wondering how much anger it takes to give someone such brute strength.  “One member screamed that blood was coming out of her ears.  Another dropped to the kneeling bench and began to sob uncontrollably.”  Ms. Minor was still shaken.  “I knew the pastor had picked a new hymn, one that we never had tried before, but I never thought it would turn so……horrific.”

Three people were taken to the local hospital with what officials called “Enigmatic Laryngitic Warts” (ELW for short).  This reporter was unable to receive confirmation of their condition at the time of this article, or if they were released.   A representative for St. Melodius released this statement:

After further reflection and prayer, Pastor Angst has agreed to cease and desist from singing new hymns until further notice.  He and the members of the music program offer their sincerest apologies to anyone who was offended or in fact hurt by the singing of this new hymn.  In no way does the council or leaders of St. Mels condone new music, whether contemporary or old timey, and promise they will do everything in their power to make sure nothing new comes out of their organ or any instrument or mouth in this congregation.

It was reported that Pastor Angst has taken a long vacation.  One member, when reached for comment, was unable to speak to this reporter.  It was reported she has taken to her bed and is heard uttering simply “I just wanted to sing “The Old Rugged Cross” one more time.”

Services at St. Melodius will continue as scheduled, as long as the contempt can be scrubbed from the carpet.”

Crankeverend shook his head slowly. All he could say was “Serendipitous”.