The Means to a Cranky Reverend

I have already touched on the Genesis of my crankiness so I hope to take a few moments to explain the Cranky life. People may say “Crankeverend, why so Cranky?” Crankiness is a commitment – a lifestyle. You don’t just decide one day to be Cranky. To be truly cranky, you have to embrace the Cranky life.  We all have an “inner crank” just wanting to surface — wanting to come out.  Sometimes it surfaces in the car — when someone comes speeding up and cuts you off at the last minute to take an exit.  Other times it surfaces in other ways…..here’s a good example.

The 4:00 am Phone Call.

Nothing gets the Cranky Reverend more cranky than the 4:00 am phone call — well all but one variety — the emergency call from the congregation or the family, that is a phone call CR does not complain about because it is CR’s calling to serve both family and congregation.  All others make CR cranky.

First — there’s the wrong number:

Ring….Ring….   CR: “YES…WHO IS THIS?. (not knowing how to answer because it is 4:00 in the morning)

Voice on phone: “Uh….is Marcia there?”

CR – “DO I SOUND LIKE A MARCIA?”  Click…..

Second — there is the drunken butt dial:

Ring Ring…    CR – “Hawwo” (Elmer Fudd voice because it is 4:00 am)

Sounds on phone:  “Muffel…shuffel….giggle….”  

CR: “Click” “Bang” (sound of phone bouncing off the wall after being thrown across the room)

Third — there is the call from Indonesia:

Ring Ring….  CR: “PASTOR” (the cranky voice because it is 4:00 in the morning)   —

Strange voice: “Speaking loudly and rapidly in a strange tongue”.

CR: (Listens and waits to see if the Holy Spirit moves him to interpret the “strange tongue”.) “Bang” (Phone being slammed on the night stand because CR does not interpret “strange tongues” he only speaks them in the middle of the night.)

Fourth — there is the call from your child:

Ring Ring…  CR: “Yes _____ (name withheld to protect the………..dimwit)

Son: “Dad, I just got pulled over for ______ (incident withheld because CR is ANGRY)

CR:  Tick…Tick….Tick…Tick….the countdown to CR’s head exploding.

Another source of crankiness is the encounter CR has at his local Starbucks.  Now, CR is not talking about his baristas, they are the best.  CR is talking about the people who stand in line and don’t know the protocol.  It is very simple, really.  Know what you want to order, order it quickly, and if it takes you longer to name your drink than it takes for the rest of the transaction, then do a mobile order — people are waiting for you to finish — get out of the way.  Also, realize you always have to give them your name and if it is not Sue or Bill or Deb, spell it.  Once you order and pay, move out of the way which means move somewhere else to put your wallet and keys and other effects in your purse or “murse” — don’t waste CR’s time at the register.  And, most importantly, no one wants to know how bad your day is or how badly you need the caffeine — we all need it — get out of the way.

These are just a few of the things that  build up in Crankeverend’s life that adds to his “crankiness”.  It is a burden CR must bear, but the love of Christ always fills his heart and his life that allows CR to compartmentalize his crankiness away from the parish and the others in his life — because CR is full of love (at least that is CR’s story).

Crankeverend…Out!