Valentine’s Day — Another Day For Me To Feel Like A Failure!!

So let me say it right from the start — Crankeverend loves his wife — been in love with her since December 1987.  We are staring at 30 years of wedded bliss in a few years.  She is CR’s soul mate — we are the definition of “two becoming one”.

But Crankeverend hates Valentine’s Day.  There — got that off my chest right from the start.  The picture above tells the whole story.  Valentine’s Day is a losing proposition for men — and is a thorn in the side of all Cranky people, like Crankeverend.

Cranky people have different ways of showing their love for a spouse, parent, child and loved one.   Here are the top five ways a Cranky Pastor or Person (CP) will show their love during Valentine’s Day weekend.

1. A Cranky Pastor/Person (CP) will buy a card – but it may have to be modified in one way or another.  The Cranky person in your life will wait until the very last minute to buy a card, and as such there will not be many options left.  All of the good cards were picked clean a week ago.  So, your card may have a line through a word with a word or words written underneath, or a lame attempt at humor, but from a cranky perspective, it pronounces our love in our own unique way.

2. A CP may give you flowers for Valentine’s Day, and they just may be leftovers from a funeral. The Cranky pastor or person in your life hears the message “Get her/him flowers” — you set the bar at “It’s the thought that counts” – and a deal is a deal.  It is the circle of life: someone gives flowers at the time of death (flowers given marking hope in the resurrection) – and after the funeral, new life (resurrected flowers) – then death.  Crankeverend calls it “care for creation”.

3. A CP may take you to a church luncheon, or breakfast, and if it is within three days of Valentine’s Day, there’s your Valentine’s Day dinner. The Cranky person in your life thinks any meal outside the home that is close to Valentine’s Day fits the bill….not my fault that it’s with 100 of our church friends.

4. A CP does not like society telling them when or how to tell you they love you. A Cranky Pastor/Person feels it unnecessary to have the “Hallmark Company” tell us when or how we should tell you we love you.  The CP chooses their own ways:

A Sigh means: “I love you, why are you bothering me — did I tell you that you look beautiful”
A Grunt means: “You look even more beautiful today”
A Cough means: “I heard you and have no response because I am blinded by your beauty”

5. Finally A CP has been Cranky for so long their Crankiness blends into all aspects of their personality and life. We cannot remember a day when we were not Cranky.  Therefore the fact that you haven’t thrown us out means you love us too.  That’s all we need on Valentine’s Day.  That is our gift to you — no need to buy us anything to make us feel badly about what we didn’t or did get you (those who did get you something would be the Cranky Lover interns still learning the art of crankiness) — we already feel badly — and cranky — don’t make it worse. 

So on behalf of all of the cranky people out there, Crankeverend says: Happy Valentine’s Day — the silence means we love you as much as you love us — and if not, just leave us alone! — but we still love you.

Crankeverend…..Out!